Five Things Victims of Abuse Need to Hear

I believe you

It's not your fault

I'm sorry this happened to you

I'm glad you told me

I can help

SOME ADVICE IS NOT USEFUL AND MAY EVEN BE DANGEROUS FOR HER TO HEAR

• Don't tell her what to do, when to leave or when not to leave
• Don't tell her to go back to the situation and try a little harder
• Don't try to rescue her by finding quick solutions
• Don't suggest you try to talk to her partner to straighten things out
• Don't tell her she should stay for the sake of the children
• Don't lose patience if she leaves, then returns. She still needs your support
• Don't judge her or her choices

Showing Understanding and Acceptance

How Can I Help A Friend Or Family Member Who Is Being Abused

Don't be afraid to let her know that you are concerned for her safety. Help her to recognize the abuse. Tell her that you see what is going on and you want to help. Let her know that violence is never okay or justifiable.

Acknowledge that she is in a very difficult and scary situation. Let her know that it is not her fault that she is being abused. Let her know that SHE IS NOT ALONE.

Be Supportive. Listen to her. Remember that it may be difficult for her to talk about the abuse. What she needs most is someone who will listen to and believe her and who can help her sort out her options.

Be non-judgmental. Respect her decisions. She may break up with and go back to the abuser many times. She will need your support even more during those times. Do not make her feel bad for her choices, even if you think these choices are wrong.

Encourage her to do things with you and other friends and family and to take part in other activities outside of her relationship.

If she breaks up with the abuser, continue to be supportive of her once she is alone. Even though the relationship was abusive, she will probably feel sad and lonely when it is over. She may be tempted to get back together with the abuser, and will especially need your support at that time.

Help her develop a safety plan.

Encourage her to talk to people who can give her help and guidance. Remember that you can not rescue her. You are there to support her and to help her find her own way to escape the abuse. Share this website with her. Give her the number for Women's Shelter & Support Services. 613-732-3131, 1-800-267-4930.

Giving Practical Support Offer a ride to doctors, lawyers or other appointments Volunteer your time and/or vehicles to assist with moving Donate you time to fix things or tidy up around the house Donate used furniture or clothes Provide child care and support with the children Car pool

 

Giving Emotional Support

LISTEN... Attend appointments with her to be her 'ears', especially in the early stages as it may be difficult for her to remember during this stressful time

• Let her leave her important papers and a suitcase of clothes with you
• Share a meal together

Giving Financial Support

• Sponsor a child's participation in a recreational activity
• Offer to baby-sit
• Help with groceries, bills, expenses

Donate professional services

How can I make a difference?

Working at a social level to promote equality of women and challenge attitudes condoning violence is important.

Small Steps Move Us Forward..... And We Will Make A Difference

How to Offer Support in Resolving Conflicts

These suggestions may help you communicate better when you are supporting women, to work through their crisis.

1. Talk directly. Assuming that there is no threat of physical violence, talk directly to the person involved.
2. Choose a good time. Plan to talk to the other person at the right time and allow yourself enough time for a thorough discussion. Don't start talking about the conflict just as the other person is leaving. Try to talk in a quiet place where you can both be comfortable and undisturbed for as long as the discussion takes.
3. Plan ahead. Think out what you want to say ahead of time. State clearly what the problem is and how it affects you.
4. Don't blame or name-call. Antagonizing the other person only makes it harder for them to hear you. Don't blame the other person for everything, or begin the conversation with your opinion of what should be done.
5. Give information. Don't interpret the other person,s behaviour. "You are doing that on purpose just to make me mad"! Instead give information about your own feelings. "When you do that, I feel angry because..."
6. Listen. Give the other person a chance to tell his or her side of the story completely. Relax and listen, try to learn how the other person feels.
7. Show that you are listening. Although you may not agree with what is being said, tell the other person that you hear them, and are glad that you are discussing the problem together.
8. Talk it all through. Once you start, get all of the issues and feelings out into the open. Don't leave out the part that seems "too difficult" to discuss or "too insignificant" to be important. Your solution will work best if all issues are discussed thoroughly.
9. Work on a solution. When you have reached this point in the discussion, start working on a solution. Two or more people co-operating are much more effective than one person telling another to change. Be specific.

These simple suggestions can really work. When people respect themselves, their partners, their family and their neighbors enough to work out disputes, everyone wins.

Older Adults' Bill of Rights

• Have the basic requirements of life, such as food, clothing and shelter
• Live free from physical, emotional, financial, sexual and medication abuse, violation of civil/human rights, and neglect
• To be informed about their civil and legal rights
• Self-determination
• Live their lives as they wish, provided they do not infringe upon the rights and safety of others
• Participate in making decisions about themselves, to the full extent that they are able to do so
• Refuse assistance and intervention

Emergency number for Elder Abuse in Renfrew County is through the Regional Assault Care Program - Renfrew Victoria Hospital 1-800-363-7222