It's Time To Talk!

Four years ago Bernadette McCann House initiated a Public Education Campaign, It's Time To Talk", to raise awareness regarding domestic violence. Our slogan continues to encourage us all to "speak out" about this issue.

Most violence committed against women is by men. While the majority of men are not abusive, and do not condone it, they often do not speak out or make their feelings publicly known. As a result, a culture of silence is created around gender inequality and men's violence against women. Men need to speak up and reach out to their peers and younger boys to help create a society that values healthy equal relationships.

Boys are exposed on a daily basis to many examples of sexist behaviour, homophobia, and seeing women as objects. Culture is a powerful tool in reinforcing gender stereotypes both for women and men. It's important to recognize the impact that the media, video games, and popular culture has on boys. How can this be challenged? One way is by giving a new healthier view of masculinity, one that models respect and equality towards women, girls, and other men. Not Speaking Up contributes to the stigma around these issues.

The good news is that more and more men and boys want to make a difference. Caring men are tired of the sexism that hurts the women around them. Caring men are also concerned with the impact of this violence on the lives of not only men and boys, but on the lives of their daughters, grand-daughters, sisters, mothers, grandmothers, wives, and friends.

Addressing issues of violence and promoting healthy relationships can be hard work. It takes a committed effort to strengthen one's knowledge, capacity and skills in promoting gender equality. A great way to start is wtihin our own family or circle of friends, by challenging sexist remarks, jokes or demeaning comments about women...in a respectful way.  Lets face it; none of us like to be told that we're doing something wrong. So a helpful approach to challenging a sexist remark could start by saying "This is not a criticism" and continue with the assumption that the person who you are addressing is well intentioned, but just has a blind spot. By speaking out you are setting a boundary and asking them not to cross it again. You're also communicating to others present that demeaning women isn't acceptable in any context.

The White Ribbon Campaign is the largest effort in the world, of men working to end men's violence against women.  The White Ribbon Campaign encourages other men to talk in schools, their communities and in their places of worship about this problem. Participating on White Ribbon committees is open to any man who is opposed to violence against women, and who is committed to equality between men and women. It is open to men of all walks of life, religion, political affiliations, age, sexual orientation, race, ethnic group, or physical ability. To learn more about this opportunity email: info@whiteribbon.ca.

Violence can't be ended in a day. But wouldn't today be a good day to Start?

by Gwen Rutland-staff

The Courage to Change

1. Everything changes and ends...however things renew themselves and move through cycles that further evolution.
2. Things do not always go according to plan...however we sometimes sense a larger plan at work when possibilities and opportunity suddenly appear.
3. Life is not always fair...however something in us remains committed to fairness and refuses to retaliate.
4. Pain is part of life...however we have ways of dealing with it, grow from it, and therefore are able to help others with their pain.
5. People are not loving and loyal all the time...however that doesn't have to stop us from remaining kind, thoughtful & caring towards others.

We Must Continue to Advocate

I recently had a conversation with my brother who informed me he had watched a program that interviewed women who were disclosing their experiences in a shelter for abused women. I listened with keen interest. Only a few months ago, I'm sure he would have turned the channel to something of a 'lighter' mode. Certainly hearing about women being abused by their partners and having to leave their home is not a topic he would have wanted to hear in great length. Not because he isn't a caring person, he is. Not because he wouldn't extend a helping hand, he would. I recognize that it is a difficult subject for people to embrace. I was most impressed that the information I was able to express in our little talks, initiated a genuine concern. It also made him aware that woman abuse is real. That statistics like admitting 119 women and 87 children to the Bernadette McCann House for Women in the past year, are real. My brother was particularly struck by the words of one of the women who chose to leave an abusive relationship ' If I didn't want to die there, why would I want to live there?'

At Bernadette McCann House it is our role to provide safety and support to women being abused and to children witnessing violence. Also, it is our role to work for change that will end abuse of women. Change can only come by way of presenting the information, the facts, and the statistics that woman abuse occurs. Change can only come by the efforts of a caring community.

In Canada, shelters are available in all provinces. More than one half of the residents in these shelters are children, most of whom are under the age of ten. According to a Stats Canada national survey on Violence Against Women 46.2% of Canadian women aged 18 years or older have experienced at least one incident of physical violence in their adult life time. Each year in Ontario alone, there are over forty women and children killed by their partners.

Working for change is not an easy task and sadly it is not always welcomed. However, we must continue to speak out on the issue of abuse against women, we must continue to advocate for children who witness violence, and we must never stop believing that we can make a difference.

by Rosalie Wilcox-staff

Recognizing the Connection between Animal Cruelty and Family Violence

Many of us would not think about the family pet when we are talking to a woman trying to make the decision to leave an abusive partner. We would certainly advise her to speak with a lawyer, to begin custody and access proceedings and to make a safety plan to ensure her ongoing protection from the abuser. We might advise her on how to get herself and her children out of the house safely, what personal items she should consider taking with her.

But would we think to ask her about any pets in the house?

Increasingly, this question is being asked by those in both the violence against women and child protection fields, as well as those who work with animals.

And for good reason. Women will sometimes stay with an abusive partner because they fear what will happen to their pet if they leave. For children, leaving a beloved pet behind, even temporarily, can make moving on from an abusive home very difficult. Perpetrators of violence against women are well aware of their ability to control their victim's actions by making threats about a family pet.

Furthermore, the connection between animal cruelty and human violence is becoming well documented. What follows are stories we have been told in the past several months, all taking place in Ontario (identifying details have been omitted).

• an elderly woman living in an abusive environment, repeatedly calls the local woman's shelter to talk about her fears for her safety. However, she has a dog that is the centre of her life. She will not leave her partner, because there is nowhere for the dog to go, where it will be safe and where she can visit it.
• a woman and her children come to a Woman's Shelter because of abuse in the home, leaving behind the children's pet guinea pig. The children are difficult to manage, angry, and blame their mother for leaving their pet behind, at risk of being harmed.
• a child protection worker makes a home visit to investigate an allegation of child abuse and notices the children treating the family cat in a violent and abusive manner.

It is not news that serial killers often were abusive to animals before moving on to torture, rape, and killing humans. This has been well documented for decades. What is news is the developing interest in understanding more about the connection between animal cruelty and ongoing, lower-level violence within families and the increased awareness of how many women may place themselves at risk in order to protect a pet.

The Ontario SPCA has long understood the connection between animal cruelty and human violence. In 2000 they conducted a survey of twenty-one Ontario Woman's Shelter's to explore this connection. The results were startling: 49% of respondents had pets harmed and/or killed by an abusive partner. As well 48% of women surveyed confirmed that they had delayed leaving an abusive situation for fear of leaving helpless pets behind.

As a result, the Society launched the Family Violence Assistance Program. The SPCA work with participating woman's shelter's in their communities, to provide assistance to women with pets, who want to leave an abusive partner.

What Can You Do?

• Be aware of the signs of cruelty to animals, and report it.

• Consider fostering a pet and ask the local humane society how you would go about doing this. The Ontario SPCA in Renfrew County, can be reached at 613-687-5511 ext.5770.

Bernadette McCann House for Women will ensure that women and children can leave an abusive situation and know that their pet is safe.

By Gwen Rutland-staff

Homophobia Is Child Abuse Too

Homophobia is like any other prejudice. It requires ignorance to fuel fear and hatred. As individuals, and as a society, we are all diminished whenever anyone degrades another.

A young woman leaves her home in Halifax. In a Vancouver shelter, a 14 year old girl from Kamloops sits scared, nervous and alone. A 15 year old boy lines up at the food bank, hoping to get a little extra to help carry him through the month.

These young people are all products of one of Canada's leading social disease - homophobia.

They left their homes in search of a safe place, a haven from the never-ending violence they face because of who they are. Lesbian, gay and bisexual young people suffer every day at the hands of ignorance, fear and a society that is taught to hate those who are different.

A fourteen year old boy gets enough courage to tell his parents he is gay,...people who are supposed to respect and love him unconditionally. His father threatens violence if the boy ever talks about it again. His mother calls him names. In trying to identify with who he is , the boy pierces his ear, dyes his hair and changes his style of clothing. His father confronts him and assaults him physically. His mother supports the abuse with slurs. This is what you deserve, she yells at him while he lies on the floor in tears.

Unfortunately, the story does not end here. His parents kick him out, and the boy , at fourteen, joins thousands of street kids in Canada; of whom an estimated 50% have sexual orientation issues. But the boy has learned just how dangerous it is to tell people who he is. So he lives in silence. Alone on the street, there are few avenues he can take. He has lost his school year and his job, and is now sleeping in a shelter. He tries to move back home, but dinner is still served with a side order of abuse. He starts experimenting with drugs and alcohol to try to get the support he was not getting at home. Stories like this are common.

We need to educate teachers, counselors, health care workers and , most importantly, our families. Homophobia has spread throughout our culture, and has forced our gay youth to remain invisible. Bobby committed suicide at the age of 20. This is an excerpt from Bobby's diary written when he was 16. Simple education about homosexuality could have prevented this tragedy. 'I can't ever let anyone find out that I'm not straight. It would be so humiliating. My friends would hate me, I just know it. They might even want to beat me up. And my family? I've overheard them lots of times talking about gay people. They've said they hate gays, and even God hates gays, too. Gays are bad, and God sends bad people to hell. It's really hell. It really scares me now, when I hear my family talk that way, because now, they are talking about me. I guess I'm no good to anyone...not even God. Life is so cruel, and unfair. Sometimes I feel like disappearing from the face of this earth...'

No one chooses their sexual identity. If you are teaching your children to hate homosexual people, you might be teaching them to hate themselves. That is a form of emotional child abuse. From verbal abuse to physical violence, the impact of homophobia in our lives is substantial. For most of us, a willingness to examine our fears is enough to alleviate them. Only then the value of all human life will be respected, and we will be better for it.

By Gwen Rutland-staff

Always a Woman's Choice

Bernadette McCann House is a shelter that provides safety and support for abused women and their children.

The shelter reflects the needs of women and children and offers a comfortable atmosphere. The primary reason women seek shelter is to secure safety for themselves and their children. Despite the risks involved in staying in a violent home, the decision to leave is a difficult one. Women and children may be forced to sever relationships with their families and friends, and in many cases 'start over'. Some families arrive with nothing but the clothing they are wearing. Entering the front door of our shelter is for many, a new beginning.

At Bernadette McCann House, women receive help in a number of ways. They often contact our agency through our crisis lines at 613-732-3131 or 1-800-267-4930.We answer over 2000 calls each year. Trained caseworkers and volunteers answer the phone, and offer crisis intervention and referrals to other services. Safety and security are of primary concern at the shelter. We are staffed 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and we are equipped with additional security measures. The shelter respects the confidentiality of all our clients.

The agency has a zero tolerance to violence of any kind, including racial comments and derogatory remarks. The shelter respects a woman's choice to access our services however; direct contact with the woman is a requirement before admission. The shelter does not promote a mandated or supervised admission due to conditions placed on the woman by her family, the legal system, or by any other agency. Our service is voluntary based on a woman's choice to leave her abusive relationship.

Women leaving the shelter may choose to return to their relationship. They leave with information, resources and a better understanding of the issues of abuse, and also with the knowledge that they are welcome to come back. Other women are focused on moving into permanent housing, and obtaining financial independence. To make this transition easier, our Outreach and Transitional workers assist these women as well.

Our shelter and its services are enhanced by the commitment of our valuable volunteers. For these dedicated women and men, choosing to volunteer at McCann House is about making a difference, and together we all share a common desire to see that abuse of women and children is reduced and someday eliminated.

By Gwen Rutland-staff

Straight Talk About Woman Abuse

Over the past fifteen years, Canada has led the world in its attempts to understand and prevent woman abuse. We have come a long way, but there is still so much more to do.  Attitudes that accept inequality and that acept or even glorify violence, especially against people who are seen as "deserving" victims, are more common in our society than we sometimes want to admit. Abuse of a woman by her husband or partner is just one example of violence in relationships where one person is seen as less worthy than another. Lesbian partners may also be abused in a relationship where one partner is controlling. While men too can be abused by their wife or partner, research has consistently shown that a man is the victim in less than 10% of all incidents of partner abuse.

So what exactly is woman abuse? It is the intentional and systematic use of tactics by an intimate partner with the intent to induce fear, and thereby establish and maintain power and control over the thoughts, beliefs and conduct of a woman. It may be a single act of physical violence, or it may include a number of acts that could appear minor when viewed in isolation, but collectively form a pattern that amounts to verbal, emotional, and physiological abuse.

Woman abuse is seldom a one-time occurrence. It usually takes place within a cycle of violent or abusive actions. It usually takes place within a cycle of violent or abusive actions, followed by a"honeymoon phase"; then a time when tensions increase again until another explosion takes place and the cycle repeats itself. With each cycle, the level of violence increases.

Some women report that they are abused not only by their husbands/partners, but also by their in-laws, children, or other family members.Women with disabilities may also experience the same types of abuse at the hands of people who provide their physical care.

Abused women are almost always isolated by their abusers. they are cut off from friends and family, and discouraged from forming friendships at work, at their place of worship or in the neighbourhood. Often the first step toward providing support is to help break down this isolation.

According to Statistics Canada, 1 in 4 women in Canada will be physically or sexually assaulted at least once from the age of 16, by their current partner, former husband or partner. More than 200,000 women have been physically or sexually assaulted in the past year. These are statistics that have been reported. We also know that many women do not report their abuse to anyone.

Woman abuse can happen to women who are rich, poor, young, old, physically or mentally challenged, women who are homemakers, and women who work outside the home. The highest rates of woman are found among young women ages 18-24 years old, and it is this group who are at the greatest risk of being killed by their partners.

Because we tolerate violence against women and children in our society, we pay dearly. children who witness violence are more likely to be in a violent relationship when they become adults. Growing up in a violent home can put children at a high risk of being hurt, and can also teach children to use violence as a way to solve their problems.

Over the years we have learned that there is no one cause of woman abuse that can simply be eliminated to stop this kind of violence. What we do know is that abuse is the result of attitudes, values, economic and political belief systems that do not accept the equality of all human beings. To stop the violence, we must all examine our own belief systems, and work together to change these structures that condone abuse. It's Time To Talk!

by Gwen Rutland-staff

Children Are Our Future

"I believe that children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way." The lyrics in the Whitney Houston song deliver a message that is very important. The children of today are the leaders of tomorrow. Children today face many challenges in their lives, and are relying on the skills they have developed thus far to deal with these challenges.

One particular challenge some children face is witnessing the abuse of their mother. It is estimated that in each school classroom in Canada 3 to 5 children are witnessing their mother being abused at home. Children who witness woman abuse usually have higher levels of emotional and behavioural problems, experience difficulties in school, have lower self esteem and higher anxiety levels than their peers. They also grow up to view the world and relationships in different ways. They may believe that...

• It is acceptable for men to hit women
• Violence is an effective way to solve problems
  
•  It is okay to hit someone if you are feeling angry and upset
• Men are powerful, women are weak
• One partner should have control over the other
• There are few if any consequences for abusive behaviour
• They are somehow responsible for the abuse
• They are responsible for stopping the abuse by "defending mom", and possibly endangering themselves.

Bernadette McCann House has been providing support groups for women and their children for several years. One particular group is called "Growing Together".This group is about how children are affected from witnessing their mothers being abused. The goal of the group is to offer mothers and children an opportunity to explore and understand their feelings, identify healthy and unhealthy behaviour choices, and then to focus on their healing process.